The Mental Struggles of a Workaholic During the Ongoing Pandemic
I have been pondering whether to write this article or not for weeks if not months. Several drafts came and go in my mind but there was an inner voice telling me “this doesn’t feel right.” A wise friend then told me I’d know when I am ready.
Am I certain that this is the case right now? Certainly … not but it felt necessary to get certain things off my chest. As the COVID-19 pandemic stretches on for more than a year, some progress has been made but most countries in Europe still haven’t figured out the consistent distribution of vaccines yet.
So what exactly is this article about and aimed at? In a broader scheme of things, the mental side effects and how people deal with it. Quite obviously, that is heavily influenced by my own experience and observations. The piece won’t be perfect by any means and rather showcase the level of confusion and annoyance by the own imperfection.
Compared to twelve or even six months ago, this has already improved a lot and comes in line with my overall fitness progress. But more often than not, I’d wake up and don’t even give a thought about what weekday it is because it simply doesn’t matter. Everything blends in and there is little reason to get excited while stuck at the same place as you stare at the computer screen and ponder what to do next.
I have had many ideas on what to do, even enrolled in online courses, and was almost done with one of them. As you can assume, I didn’t finish it and that has been pestering my mind ever since. Do I really want to try again only to fail close to the finish line and feel miserable about it? Would that do me any good or is the potential setback far more severe.
If the conscious mind has too much free time to think and act, it will result in all sorts of shenanigans. For example, if I get somewhat bored, Twitter seems like the perfect outlet to blast out random thoughts or use emojis, and gifs in response to whatever my feed throws at me.
This phenomenon is somehow only limited to Twitter in my case, as I try to stay away from most other social media platforms these days. Facebook used to be my go-to place but that is usually a source of information these days or used to stay in touch with friends via messenger.
Instagram sometimes pops up with notifications and I take a quick look. In recent years, I’d share sightseeing pictures of the places I visited while on the road for work. You know, when people were still doing this weird thing … what was it called again … ah, travel.
It has become a bad habit and welcome distraction but also undermines the efforts to use the own skillset and creativity. It’s the easier choice for now because no proper thinking is required. And that waste of time can easily be justified because the social platform is also an excellent source of information in a niche industry.
But the realization that I am a far cry away from using my potential during these weird times is the most concerning. This has already improved but I still let too many distractions get to me, which inevitably slows down projects and assignments. The content itself is deemed satisfactory but those tiny oversights that the editor catches are still annoying.
Could I have avoided the current misery by escaping to another country before the restrictions hit most of central Europe? That was certainly an option but I chose the safety of my own apartment instead, as it seemed the logical choice. What it has left me with is an incredible craving called wanderlust.
If someone were to ask me how I am right now, the only correct answer would be “I don’t know.”
The most ordinary things can suddenly make you cry or laugh for no reason, and you sit there giggling about a silly video or lame dad joke. There are even times where I just want to walk into the nearby woods and start screaming to blow off some steam. Because that’ll at least show that I am still alive and haven’t turned into a robot yet.
Many people have reached the point where they cannot take it anymore. Every other day there are demonstrations throughout Germany, initiated by the “Querdenker” group who feel treated like children and want to gain their freedom again. But their overall narrative and choice of words are by far more worrisome and many don’t even realize it, they just join to complain and voice their frustration.
I have never been a tremendously social person but always carry my feelings on the sleeves. They come out when I get to meet and interact with people I care about, especially those I met on the road. But that barely ever happens via instant messenger or WhatsApp because it simply isn’t the same. Obviously, that will change at some point, and “things will get normal again”.
However, maintaining healthy sanity until then can be a challenge and burden to many people. It’s somewhat difficult to enjoy the little things when the mind is foggy and doesn’t see the light at the end of the tunnel just yet. Perhaps, that time will come soon as the efforts all over the world slowly pick up.
On March 31, I received my first dose of the Biontech vaccine and the second shot will follow next week. It doesn’t automatically mean that I gonna jump on the plane one day later and escape somewhere. There are still restrictions in place and even with the confirmation of successful vaccination, a mandatory quarantine might be required for many countries.
And until that changes, it may perhaps be better to delve into memories of previous trips. In the last few days, I made the mistake to edit pictures from early in 2020 when I visited Taiwan and Japan. Trying to improve upon the post-production of my shots can certainly be deemed as constructive use of time.
It also brought back that sizzling sensation of the excellent food and was equally torturing because going back there right now isn’t an option. And it was a slap-in-the-face kind of reminder that I am really missing these places and the chance to explore the unknown. No offense to my charming town in the middle of nowhere and nature nearby but I have pretty much seen it all.
Little by little, the fitness progress scrapes off a tiny percentage of that overall confusion and apathy. But the road to full mental recovery and a balanced point of view is filled with plenty of bumps. Maybe I have to put more reminders on the office whiteboard right next to my work desk as a visual signal to try harder because there are plenty of things that I am capable of.
The mind perhaps also deserves a little tease with countries I want to visit once the pandemic doesn’t overshadow daily life anymore. Or I’ll just hop on a plane to Mexico like all those poker players, you never know. The more realistic country to target is another because Romania and Japan have both stolen a part of my heart and I’d like to go there again.
As far as work is concerned, I am fortunate enough that Fuse Media is giving me plenty to write about and keep my mind occupied. There’s also the occasional reporting of online events as well, because live poker certainly remains on a hiatus in central Europe for a few months more, at least.
There is also some hope on the horizon with the potential in-person edition of the World Series of Poker (WSOP) and WSOP Europe planned for autumn and winter. Twelve weeks of work madness sounds right up my alley because I wouldn’t have time to think about anything else then either.
It’s a different kind of pandemic filled with stress and little time off, perfect for a workaholic.
Where do I sign?