It is okay not to be okay

The draft for this long blog post was in a corner of my mind for a long time because I wasn’t sure when I will be ready to write about it. The topic is rather delicate for most people and it pretty much represents the elephant in the room that nobody really wants to talk about, even more so on the internet for everybody to see. Usually, it is kept as a secret behind closed curtains or swept below the carpets.

The main narrative of this entry is about the following three silent killers:

• Anxiety
• Depression
• Lonelineless

It is obviously not a revelation that came from one day to the other, and there is a specific reason why I have now decided to write about the topic.

It’s okay not to be okay.

I don’t want any sympathy, pity or virtual pats on the shoulder. By writing down my thoughts about this precarious topic, I want to hold myself accountable to do better and continue the path to seek balance. Perhaps, it can also be a valuable lesson for others that may have similar thoughts.

The realisation in itself was a tough pill to swallow for a wannabe perfectionist and I have taken the first steps to gain more balance. Until two years ago, work was the “perfect way” to deal with the situation due to the time-consuming tasks, chaos and stress that came along with it. There was simply barely any time to think about anything else as the body and mind was drained over and over again.

2019 was essentially the busiest year in a long time and I spent most of it on the road, leapfrogging from one live poker event to the other without any major breaks despite taking the odd days to explore exciting locations. In hindsight, the inevitable burnout was just around the corner back then. Early in 2020, I opted not to take on a lot of event offers and instead went to the Philippines for a small tournament to then jump over to Taiwan and Japan for sightseeing with the camera.

“Are you crazy? Why do you go to Asia, they have the virus over there,” was the frequent take by my family. I didn’t know how to explain that it was vital for my soul to visit other countries and soak in a different atmosphere in peace.

Once back at home, the full blow of the pandemic kicked off with one bad news after the other. Every second news report focused on the very same thing while the disruption to the lives of many was only getting started. The prospect of not being able to conduct what I am arguably best at was, quite frankly, extremely confusing and demotivating for weeks if not months.

Since then there have been good days and bad days, the latter of which essentially has the mind racing back and forth without knowing how to proceed. Monotone activities help to reduce the background noise but I sincerely wish my attempts at meditation would have been more successful to date. Alas, so far they are a mixed bag and have not provided any major progress yet but I will keep on trying.

Almost two years have passed since then and the news all over the world are still dominated by the same shtick, though the narrative has changed and may be even worse now. Society has been split into three parts, those for and against the masks / vaccines / mandates with conspiracy theories on either side and a third group of people that just don’t want to hear anything about all this shit anymore.

Travel restrictions are still quite common all over the world and the entry restrictions for most countries change on a whim. Something I have taken for granted is suddenly depending on various factors and that has taken a toll, increasing the overall feeling of isolation. The lack of seeing a circle of international friends in person was certainly unpleasant.

I was seeking shelter in short trips whenever those were actually possible and learned more about those who are actually friends and others who are mere acquaintances from work. On either side were people I have known for many years or just met a handful of times, it at all.

There are a few valuable lessons I learned through all of this so far:

On the one hand, I am incredibly stubborn, arrogant, complacent, sarcastic and tend to have the last word. It feels like all these negative traits were further enhanced during the last two years.

The other side of the coin is probably best described as a kind-hearted fool who wears the feelings on the sleeves. He’d be there to listen and put in a little effort to bring small gifts with a meaning. Just because he can without expecting anything in return but secretly wishes someone to lean on his shoulder.

Some of my attempts to break out of the self-imposed isolation failed rather spectacularly and a certain pattern cannot be denied. The fitness efforts were, however, a resounding success so far and represent a first step to be happy with myself. Physical activities attached to reasonable goals to fight for spark the competitive nature, which is often the kind of boost needed to see the bright side of things.

A different kind of drain in 2021

The first half of 2021 was rather quiet but some of the old routine returned in September and lasted until early in December. Stress, chaos, long hours, and the challenging nature of covering live poker events put all the other thoughts on the back burner again. The only difference: A face mask with which it’s easier to hide the emotions.

I was fortunate to have this work and the money especially from the WSOP in Las Vegas and the WSOPE in Rozvadov represents a big chunk of my income for the previous year. Many others in the industry were not as fortunate and had to take on office jobs to pay their bills.

Being able to physically see as many familiar faces as possible during these three months lightened up the mood while those that were missing due to various circumstances felt like tiny stitches in the heart and soul. I even became a “hugger”.

And once all was over, that’s when the anxiety kicked in. It was the time when the “happy mask” came off and all that could be seen was an empty shell filled with nothingness.

What will happen next and does the uncertain future continue with work only getting confirmed on short notice? How long will it take to get back to a somewhat normal life and how much of the own sanity will actually be left then? Are the steps taken to solve this dilemma the best solution?

The answer for these questions is the same: I don’t know (yet). But it’s gonna be alright eventually. Because giving up is not an option, nor is not putting in as much as effort as possible when the chance arises.

Of course I also realise that many of these multi-faceted issues are self-inflicted and only I can solve them with the help, insight and guidance of the people that care about me.

And while travel opportunities may still be limited, there are still plenty of accessible countries near and far that I want to check out … if possible, not just by myself — that would be cool.

#namaste